Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Why Im doing this blog thing

I've been thinking about what it is that I want from this blog, and the answer is that I really don't know. I've thought about writing a blog many times and I enjoy reading other blogs. I think it just made sense to start one at this point in my life. The last few years have been a long road and I've felt very lost on it. Id say there have been more hard challenging times than good and its taken its toll on me and who I thought I was. I've asked myself many times, "who am I, who are my friends, what are my passions?" and those seem like questions that everyone should know the answer to for the most part, but I didn't. More like, still don't. 

 Lately I've been thinking a lot about when I was in college and I was so sure of what I was doing. I had a plan and I thought the path to that plan was so clear. There was definite fear mixed in with my plan but I don't think I was fully aware that life doesn't always happen the way we think we have it planned out. I had such high expectations for what I thought was going to happen once I was done with college and when it didn't turn out the way I expected and I experienced a huge loss. My hopes and dreams soon turned into a reality of working part time at Macys so I could simply live. I couldn't pay my student loans and I was floundering in the debt I had gained by going to school. It felt so defeating to realize I couldn't prevent what was about to happen; default and failure. 

The job finding experience has been interesting I must say. I even have a folder on my computer that simply says, "job finding folder" with resumes and cover letters up-the-wazoo (hah, never had to write that out before). Thankfully I've had my current job for almost two and a half years and I'm thankful for the opportunity and security it provides, but that doesn't mean I'm not clouded by the years it took me to find it. Mixed in with those few years of struggling to find work I also experienced a very huge trauma which I know has also played a major role in all of this. I might talk about that at some point, but the residual effects of feeling all the failure with my career I think lead me to question myself and what I thought I wanted out of life. I'm hesitant to put myself out there because I'm afraid of the failure or feeling like I'm not good enough. Insert blog creation. 

I'm using the blog for me.
for my husband
 to be creative
to discover my passions
to try new things
to push myself
to experience failure again
to experience triumph
to gain self confidence
to be silly and weird
to have an outlet
to feel sure of myself

It seems strange sometimes to write about life and post it on the internet, but I think I kind of like that. I like the idea of discovering a community of people that possibly share the same interests as me. I hope people can laugh with me, cry with me, explore with me and enjoy the fact that I desire to share my life with them so we can all grow and know who we are. 

Right now the only people who really read this are my friends and family and I appreciate the support. I think everyone can relate to feeling a little lost after experiencing some personal tragedy's but I hope everyone who reads this will get enjoyment out of it. 

Love you all - Carly

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