Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Wishing winning the lottery was a real goal in life.

The last few months I've been feeling like there is a new chapter of my life starting, but it seems a little unclear what its going to be about. The previous chapters were a little clearer like graduating from High School, then graduating from college, then getting married. This last chapter that I feel like I'm currently coming out of is one of recovery. Over the last two years I've been healing from a very hard a traumatic experience and I finally I have the strength to move on. I used my traumatic experience to hide and be a hermit for a few years and now that I'm at the tail end of healing from it I have this tug on my heart to start over and be someone new. Something is changing inside of me but I'm not sure what it is. I feel myself searching for that thing. Nathan and I have been married for three and a half years now and for other couples that might be the time for them to start having kids, but not for us. I feel like I need to figure out that thing first, what I'm doing and where I'm going, what my niche is and how I can live off of it. 

Senior year of High School in 2004.

Presenting my Thesis the weekend of my college Graduation in 2008.

The day I married my best friend in 2009.

I went to school for Interior Design and for years I thought a career in the design industry was my thing. After that not panning out as I planned, I felt so lost. I questioned and still seem to question if that's what I want to keep working towards or if I need to go in a different direction. Then when I start thinking about what the next direction might be I feel like I'm looking into a big black hole of emptiness. I need something to shine a light, give me inspiration, hope, courage to face the darkness and take some steps of faith. 

So far I've come up with these possibilities:
 1. Find a job with a design firm which thus far has been impossible.
2. Do design work on my own, which also seems equally impossible.
3. Find a desk job that is mindless but pays well and push for creativity outside of work.
4. Figure out how to make money being crafty.
4 cont. Figure out how to make more money being crafty.
5. Figure out how to get Nathan to be rich so I can be a housewife.
6. Win the lottery.

So...I think you can understand why I feel frustrated and lost. Agreed? I mean, Id prefer to win the lottery over anything on that list but ultimately that wouldn't satisfy my desire to live through my passions. I don't think being rich can really qualify as a passion. Maybe for some, but then you'd be an annoying self centered rich person who probably screws over lots of people. Which is totally lame and I don't want to be lame. 

I think what is most frustrating for me is that I have skills, good ones, but yet I feel like I cant use them the way I want to because it takes other people to believe in my skills and give me a chance. I feel like sometimes my challenging road searching for design work is getting clouded by how hard its been and making it a less desirable career. Why would I want to keep trying for something that's continually turned me down? Its like a bad relationship that I keep going back to. That said, not everything in life comes easy. 

When something really challenges you in life I think it pushes you to look deeper and try harder which is just eventually going to get you to your real goal. That's exactly what I'm searching for, a real goal and something that is sustaining and fulfilling. When I say those words my mind becomes blank again, because I don't know what that is or how to find it. 

Thus far, I've concluded that I need to find my thing, being rich doesn't qualify as a passion, I don't want to be lame, challenging life experiences help you grow and I need to find a goal that is sustainable and fulfilling. And winning the lottery is probably not realistic. Darn...

So, here continues my quest. I'm searching and looking for that sign to lead my in the right direction or that little glimmer of light to show me the way in what seems like a mass of darkness. I think its times like these that really stretch us as people and we discover we are capable of a lot more than we thought. At least that's what I'm hoping for. :)

Also, please don't forget to vote for which Saw It, Pinned It, Tried It you want to see next on the blog. If you missed that, check out this post here and cast your vote on the poll on the upper left corner of the blog. 

Good night!


  1. I'd say the "thing" is become a parent. It is THE most rewarding feeling you will ever have and everything else that you have done or will do will seem so small after you meet your child for the first time.

    1. I am absolutely looking forward to that, and I think in a few years that is where I will want to focus my time and energy, but right now Im just not ready for that. We arent ready for that. I think I should work on figuring out myself before I bring a kid into my unsure life.

      It also helps to feel a little more financially secure as well. I know there is never the perfect time to start a family, but I know we could be a little more prepared. :)